I was lost and you were found.
You seemed to stand on solid ground.
I was weak, and you were strong.
And me and my guitar, we strummed along.

Sweet misery you cause me.
That's what you called me.
Sweet misery you cause me.

I was blind, but oh how you could see.
You saw the beauty in everything, everything in me.
I would cry, and you would smile
You'd stay with me a little while.

Sweet misery you cause me.
That's what you called me.
Sweet misery you cause me.

And in my heart I see what you're doing to me.
And in my heart I see just how you wanted it to be,
Sweet misery.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And for some reason I can't stop thinking about how things might've been - about the way you made me feel. In a world that seemed so dark, you were my light. You showed me that there was still good in the world, and you stayed with me, even if it was just for a little while. And I know I promised that I would be okay, but I miss you - I miss you so much. It's supposed to get easier, but it isn't. Nothing's easy, but that's life, isn't it? It's just when you were here, I had someone by my side. And now I'm not so sure - about anything. I want to do the right thing. I want to be that guiding light for someone - like you were for me. But I don't know if I can. I don't know if I'm strong enough on my own. Sometimes I don't even know how to get through the day, much less save someone else. I just wish you were here; I wish you were here to remind me of who I am.

At one point in my life, I wouldn't have needed that. I wouldn't have needed anyone. And then you showed me it was okay to get close to someone. And now you're gone, and I'm back to being alone. Now the world's a darker place. All the answers I thought I knew died with you, and I feel so alone - but that's not the worst part. I can stand the loneliness, but I feel so powerless. All the pain in the world, and I can't do a thing to stop it. I can't even help those I call my friends. Where did everything go so horribly wrong? Why did it happen to us? What am I supposed to do now?

I see you in him, you know. It's why I liked him from the start. Now - now I see something else. I see a good man, even if he doesn't. It reminds me of someone. It reminds me of myself before you came along - distant and lonely. Strong, but only because I had to be - because it was expected. If I could do for him what you did for me, two lives could be forever changed because of it. But then again we didn't get our happy ending, so who's to say that even if I serve as the thread that ties them together, they'll get theirs. Because life has a funny way of showing its gratitude. In the end, I'm just a girl - a broken little girl with no place to go.

When I want you in my arms,
When I want you and all your charms,
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Dream - dream, dream, dream.

When I feel blue in the night,
And I need you to hold me tight,
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Dream.

I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine
Anytime, night or day.
Only trouble is I'm dreamin' my life away,
I need you so that I could die;
I love you so, and that is why:
Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Dream - dream, dream, dream.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And when I lie down to sleep, it'll be your face I see.

They cry in the dark so you cant see their tears.
They hide in the light so you cant see their fears.
Forgive and forget, all the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child.

Because Hell,
Hell is for children,
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess.
Hell, Hell is for children,
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.

It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing.
They blacken your eyes and then apologize.
You're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing.



It's all coming back to me, but I can't run - not this time. I have to do the right thing. I would try to explain, but I don't know how. I just know I have to do this.

Today I assisted Dr. Montgomery. She's really not as bad as everyone says she is. In fact, she seems pretty nice to me. Then again, I've never been on her bad side ( and hopefully it'll stay that way ).

She actually confided something in me that was a huge deal. Dare I call us friends? I mean, do you really tell someone you don't consider a friend your biggest secret? And if you trust someone enough with something like that, doesn't that automatically make you friends in a way? Okay, so she's still my superior. When we're at work, it's completely professional. I'm not going to start treating her differently because of this. But there's no law that says surgeons and interns can't associate outside the hospital or even in their free time, right? Maybe I'm making up my own rules - living in a dream world, as some people might call it. But it's worked so far . . .

All I know is I've spent my whole life 'playing it safe.' I'm done. Not to say that I'm going to stop doing the right thing. By all means, not even close. But I'm going to stop worrying about protecting myself and put my heart on the line. In the end, what have I got to lose? There's nothing anyone can take away from me that I haven't lost already. If you start at the bottom, where else is there to go but up? So this is me getting up off the floor, hopefully for the last time.

I write a lot, but most of the time it takes me awhile to figure out what I'm trying to say. My thoughts get all jumbled up, and sometimes it's easier to write it all down in the form of a poem or a song. A lot of these are based on someone or something that's happened, except I use a lot of metaphors and don't ever say who the person is it's about if it's about anyone. It's just a way to express myself. Here's my first of many, I'm sure. I'm working on another as we speak.


To whom it may concern:

You sent me away, but still I came
Saw through your rigid exterior, straight to your pain
Like a dark cloud that covers the sky before a rain
The storm passes, then things are never the same

For there is never a storm one can't weather
When it's faced with another, two binded together
Let the rain pour down and wash away today
Because by your side is where I'll stay
Let the clouds roll away

And when the clouds roll away
The sun comes shining through
You'll find me there for you.

Sincerely,
-;- Jewels -;-

Today was my first day at work. Dr. Sloan picked me as his intern for the day. I guess you can say he 'picked me.' There wasn't anyone left to choose from, so he didn't really have any other choice - unless he wanted to get his own coffee and deli sandwich. After that I spent most of my time in the pit doing sutures. I was complimented on how steady my hands were and how focused I was at the task at hand ( which normally is no big deal, but most interns don't stay for five hours straight ), and I made a couple of the patients smile. That's a good thing, right? All in all, the day wasn't uneventful and I got to do more than the interns that are assigned to Sloan usually get to do. I'm grateful for that. It definately could've gone a lot worse. I guess I really won't know until tomorrow to see if he'll pick me again. Or maybe the next day or the day after that . . . But in all fairness, Karev should get a shot. After all, I just got here. I don't expect to be bumped to the front of the line.

There's a lot more to Mark Sloan than meets the eye. Of course, no one would ever know it. He doesn't allow anyone to get that close - well, except for Addison Montgomery ( who's one of the few I haven't met or even caught a glimpse of ). But any guy that flies all the way across the country to be with the woman he loves? Can't be all that bad. Maybe my problem is setting my expectations too high. A surgeon and an intern, friends? Yeah right. The only way surgeons 'get along' with the interns is when they're in a relationship, and that was not where I was trying to go. I think enough women have gone there with Dr. Sloan. Maybe I'm just a wishful fool.

It could be for the best. If there really is a whole Dr. Shepherd verses Dr. Sloan battle going on, I might not want to put myself right in the middle of it. Meredith and I are best friends, and I love her. She's like a sister to me, and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt or offend her or the man she loves so much. But I don't know Dr. Shepherd, and I came along way after any feud started. Can I really get in trouble for 'siding with the enemy?' But at this rate, it won't really be a problem. I was just trying to be nice. Some people just already have everything they need.

I also met Izzie and Alex today. Alex got called away on an assignment pretty quickly, but Izzie and I got to chat for a few minutes. She seems really friendly - and helpful. She gave me a few useful pointers. Pointers are something I can definately use. At least now I don't feel like such a stranger. So far things are going well. I had a minor setback when I got home, but I'll be okay. The past is the past - it's over, and I'm safe now. I just hate that even after so many years, he can still hurt me, you know? I know for a fact if it wasn't for my father, Dr. Sloan wouldn't intimidate me like he did initially. What I have to remember is to focus on the good and positive and overlook the bad. It's nothing personal, right? That's the hardest part. With me, it's always personal.

I wanted to be like you;
I wanted everything.
So I tried to be like you,
And I got swept away.

I didn't know that it was so cold,
And you needed someone to show you the way.
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the time comes I'd take you away.

If you want to,
I can save you.
I can take you away from here,
So lonely inside,
So busy out there,
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares.

Deep within each heart there lies a magic spark
That lights the fire of our imagination.
And since the dawn of man, the strength of just "I can"
Has brought together people of all nations.

There’s nothing ordinary in the living of each day.
There’s a special part every one of us will play.

Feel the flame forever burn teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream.
As the world gives us its best to stand apart from all the rest,
It is the power of the dream that brings us here.

Your mind will take you far;
The rest is just pure heart.
You’ll find your fate is all your own creation.
Every boy and girl, as they come into this world,
They bring the gift of hope and inspiration.

Feel the flame forever burn teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream.
The world unites in hope and peace;
We pray that it will always be.
It is the power of the dream that brings us here.

There’s so much strength in all of us,
Every woman, child, and man.
It’s the moment that you think you can’t
You’ll discover that you can.

Feel the flame forever burn teaching lessons we must learn
To bring us closer to the power of the dream.
The world unites in hope and peace;
We pray that it will always be.
It is the power of the dream that brings us here.

The power of the dream,
The faith in things unseen,
The courage to embrace your fear.
No matter where you are,
To reach for your own star,
To realize the power of the dream.

If I could tell the world just one thing,
It would be that we're all okay.
And not to worry, because worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these.

I will not be made useless;
I won't be idled with despair.
I will gather myself around my faith,
for light does the darkness most fear.

My hands are small, I know,
but they're not yours, they are my own.
but they're not yours, they are my own.
And I am never broken.

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same.
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid.